Oklahoma Tornado - How To Talk to Children about Tragedy and Disaster - Hollye Jacobs

On Monday, May 20th, an Oklahoma tornado crashed through suburbs, leveling entire neighborhoods, setting buildings on fire and landing a direct blow to an elementary school. In the photo* above, a woman carries her child through a field near the collapsed Plaza Towers Elementary School in Moore, Oklahoma on Monday, May 20, 2013. How much more heartbreaking does it get?

In the aftermath of the Oklahoma tornado tragedy if you’re wondering how to talk to children about tragedy and natural disasters, you’re not alone. It’s totally normal to be bamboozled by such catastrophe. The key, however, is including children in the dialogue.

Many of you already know how important it is to me that adults talk with children and keep lines of communication open. Silence is NOT golden especially when television and other media are depicting graphic scenes of devastation. Children are being exposed to stories and photos of dislocated families, destroyed homes and a rising death toll. UGH. We MUST talk with children about natural disasters.

The thing of it is: when children are left alone with information, they have the capacity to imagine far worse than reality (even when reality is awful!). For example, young children often confuse facts with fantasy and may not realize that the same images are shown over and over again on television. Rather they may think that the disasters are happening over and over again. Yup. How awful is that?

The Silver Lining here is that there are concrete tools for talking with and helping children cope with the tornado in Oklahoma and other tragedies:

  1. Encourage ongoing dialogue. The more communication the better. One conversation is not enough. Children are better able to take in and cope with small amounts of information at a time.
  2. Be honest. Use developmentally appropriate words and concepts that children can understand.
  3. Encourage children to ask questions. Make sure that you listen to the questions being asked and and concerns being expressed. Don’t assume and please don’t project your fears onto your children. Answer the questions that children ask. Keep it to that. Do not volunteer more information than asked because children may not be ready to handle that information. Unconsciously, they know what they can handle and when.
  4. Know the facts. Be able to explain what a natural disaster is as well as how and why they happen. Use simple, clear facts and avoid opinions.
  5. Normalize feelings – especially fear. It is important that a child not be left with distressing feelings. A child may demonstrate their distressing feelings by throwing temper tantrums, an inability to sleep or having meltdowns. Pay attention to unusual behavior and address behaviors head-on.
  6. Turn OFF the television. Watching the devastation over and over and over again only heightens a child’s worry and fear. Research has shown that watching media coverage, especially repeated viewing, can create stress for children even when they are not directly exposed to disaster. Television viewing for young children needs to be limited. If they see some television that reports on disaster, it is best for parents to watch with their children in order to deal with their reactions and correct misinformation.
  7. Reassure children that they will be taken care of and that you will do everything that you can do to protect them. DO NOT tell them that “this will never happen to you” because as we know all too well, a natural disaster can happen anytime, anywhere.
  8. Use the conversation as an opportunity for learning. Talk about what you and your family would do in the event of a natural disaster. Make a plan. The reassurance will provide comfort.
  9. Encourage children to relax. Some options include: coloring, reading poetry, singing songs.
  10. Maintain a consistent routine because children equate a routine with stability and security.

The important thing to know is that children take their coping cues from us, the trusted adults in their lives.  This isn’t to say that we should cover our emotions. Not at all.  Rather, we need to model healthy coping mechanisms for our children. Some examples include:

  • Talking
  • Moderating news intake
  • Self care (eating, sleeping, bathing)
  • Express our feelings

Including children in the dialogue about a natural disaster is a Silver Lining amidst the tragedy because it demonstrates that parents are trustworthy and that honesty is a core family value.

Resources:

Talking with Children about Tragedy - "A Terrible Thing Happened" by Margaret M. Holmes

* Photo credit: Sue Ogrocki
 

Angelina Jolie mastectomy, thesilverpen.comLast week was a full-ON Angelia Jolie kind of week. Because so many people have asked my opinion about her decision to have a double mastectomy, I thought I’d weigh in with my reaction to her Op-Ed piece in the New York Times.

So many references have been made to Angelina Jolie’s “preventative” double mastectomy. Let me begin by saying that “prevention” is an incorrect word to use when talking about breast cancer. Unfortunately, at this time no one knows specifically how to “prevent” cancer. All we know now is how to reduce the risk that a person will get cancer, but no intervention is fully protective against acquiring the disease (which, for the record, is an f-bomb!).

One of the Silver Linings of Angelina Jolie’s public disclosure is that it will (hopefully) encourage people (men, too! – I have a friend whose dad died of FBC) to look into their family history. There are many ways to do this, beginning by having a dialogue and asking questions. ONLY if there is a strong family history does it make sense to get the ($3000+!) BRCA1 & BRCA2 genetic test.

My friend Dr. Marsia Weiss, who founded Breastcancer.org was quoted as saying, “These are single, rare gene mutations that most people don’t have. Some women who hear about Ms. Jolie’s case might feel they should get the test, but the reality is that only a small percentage of women actually qualify for it, based on the guidelines.”

Further, The National Breast Cancer Coalition (NBCC) position statement on genetic testing states: “A genetic test for breast cancer should only be utilized with full consideration of its limitations and implications. Genetic testing cannot cure or prevent breast cancer, and cannot accurately predict whether a woman will or will not develop breast cancer. Most women who get breast cancer do not have BRCA1or BRCA2 mutations, and some women with confirmed mutations will never get breast cancer.”

After my diagnosis, I had the BRCA test. The reason that I was tested was because when I was diagnosed, I was under the age of 40 (I was 39). The greatest Silver Lining of my entire ordeal was that I was BRCA negative. In other words, my diagnosis was NOT because of faulty genetics and I would NOT pass any genetic predisposition on to Suddenly Seven.

According to the  National Cancer Institute (NCI), statistically, women who have one or both mutations have about a 60% risk of breast cancer during their lifetimes (not 87% as Angelina Jolie suggested), compared with 12% for women without such mutations.

Not only that, but also according to the NCI, mutations in the two BRCA genes, BRCA1 and BRCA2, account for less than 10% of all breast cancers. This statistic surprises most people. Genetic mutations also account for about 15% of ovarian cancers.

Angelina Jolie’s situation definitely highlights the emotionally charged dilemma facing people with the BRCA mutations. For those people who do test positive for a genetic mutation, it is really important to consider ALL options, beginning with less-aggressive, “barbaric” alternatives to lower the risk of getting breast cancer. Many doctors advise very close monitoring, with screenings via ultrasound or MRIs twice a year. Chemotherapy is another option to reduce the risk of developing breast cancer. There are also clear lifestyle modifications (e.g., maintaining a healthy weight, reducing or eliminating alcohol consumption, and a low fat diet, to name a few) that reduce the risk of getting breast FBC.

Now, I will say that I admire several aspects about Angelina Jolie’s decision, beginning with the fact that from the get-go she states that it was indeed her decision. She didn’t make sweeping generalizations or “should” on anyone. I appreciate this very much.

I am also inspired by the fact that one of the most beautiful women in the world bravely and publicly declared that her breasts do not define her — her power over her health and her body had trumped her dependence on a body part to express her femininity. What an incredible role model. “I do not feel any less of a woman,” she declared. “I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity.”

Additionally, there is a great Silver Lining in her disclosure: people will hopefully be more inquisitive about their family history.

The thing of it is there are no perfect options. The most important thing is that people make FULLY informed decisions in collaboration with trusted physicians. Angelina Jolie’s decision is very unique and very personal and doesn’t necessarily apply to every man or woman.

I’d love to hear from you.  What did you think?

 
 

 

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It has been a spring filled with animals, which equates to a spring filled with Silver Linings. I am always happiest when I spend time with animals. Their beauty, spirit and sense of presence always inspires me.  It fills my heart with joy that Suddenly Seven has the same affinity for the magical world of animals, from dolphins to capybara’s to beloved Buzz.

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Here is Suddenly Seven feeding a capybara (Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris) at the Santa Barbara Zoo. Ever heard of this animal? It is the largest rodent in the world and definitely reminded me of the “rodents of unusual size” from The Princess Bride except that capybara’s are much nicer and not inclined to chew on people.

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Lions are my favorite animal. They were roaaaaaaaring the day we were at the zoo.

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Me smooching with the dolphins earlier this spring. Talk about a Silver Lining!

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Buzz at the beauty parlor. It’s hard to be so handsome!

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This particular capybara loved neck rugs. Look at those TEETH! Major Silver Lining!

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This is Michael the giraffe. He loooooooves his lettuce!

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http://www.thesilverpen.comWe had a seat on the dolphin superhighway. It was magical!
 

Delicious and easy salmon recipe, thesilverpen.com

Though I have a strong inclination toward a vegan diet, I do love salmon.  Love as in “I could eat it everyday” love. However, I tend to eat it 2-3 times per week and stick to a plant based diet the rest of the week.

There are tons of health benefits to eating salmon. The omega-3′s present in salmon contribute to decreasing the risk of cancer (yah!), improving eye health and cardiovascular function. Oh, and, the omega-3s found in salmon also lock moisture into skin cells, encouraging the production of strong collagen and elastin fibers, which contribute to more youthful looking skin. Better than botox, right? Nice Silver Lining. 

Speaking of Silver Lining, Chef Maili (with whom I’ve been playing in the kitchen for the past few weeks!) came up with an amazingly scrumptious and super simple salmon recipe. It’s my new fave. Usually, I’m not a big fan of cooking with ginger; however, this recipe rocks.  It’s the perfect balance between sweet and savory.

Hope that you enjoy it as much as we are!

A delicious and simple salmon recipe, thesilverpen.com

Here’s how to cut salmon:simple salmon recipe, thesilverpen.comHere’s a great lesson in cutting garlic.  Smash the garlic with the side of a knife to get the skin off.  For dicing, if you sprinkle a wee bit of salt on the garlic, then the garlic won’t stick to the side of the knife. Genius tip from Maili!

tip for cutting garlic, thesilverpen.com

Here’s how the sautéing looks
simple and easy salmon recipe, thesilverpen.com

The honey is the secret, magic ingredient!

simple salmon recipe, thesilverpen.comThank you dear Blue Caleel for taking these photos!
 

 

Eye Candy, thesilverpen.comTulip Fields in the Netherlands. Image credit: Allard Schager 

As many of you know, we are a traveling family. I love being out in the world! Yesterday, I was at lunch with some beautiful, well-traveled women who shared their experiences in India, Mexico, Australia and the like. It was so inspiring!  The Silver Lining is that even though I’m not hitting the worldwide road anytime soon, there is plenty of armchair travel that I can do!  Please, (don’t!) pack your bag and come along for the ride….

Eye Candy, thesilverpen.comBonn, Germany. Image credit: Adas Meliauskas

Eye candy, thesilverpen.comBamboo Forest in Japan. Image credit: Yuya Horikawa, Tomoaki Kabe 

Eye candy, thesilverpen.comHitachi Seaside Park, Japan. Image credit: men2 | sename777

Eye Candy, thesilverpen.comTunnel of Love (seriously!), Ukraine. Image credit: Oleg Gordienko

Black Forest, Germany, thesilverpen.comBlack Forest, Germany. Image credit: Andy Linden 

Wisteria Flower Tunnel, Japan, thesilverpen.comWisteria Flower Tunnel, Japan. Image credit: ur.com | mindphoto.blog.fc2.com

Red Beach, Panjin, China, thesilverpen.com

Red Beach, Panjin, China. Image credit: MJiA

 
 

Parenting inspiration, thesilverpen.comRecently I came across this piece, If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again by Chief Dan George and was blown away. My life has been very busy and full lately. A little too full, I’m afraid to – though must – admit. In fact, tonight between trying to send emails while on a conference call and preparing dinner, I cut my finger with a knife. Shocker, right? Not.

However, Silver Linings seem to come when I need them the most and that is exactly what this piece has done for me.

Today is Suddenly Seven’s school camp-out, an all-inclusive hiking and camping trip replete with a traditional campfire and games. So, today, instead of worrying about obligations and deadlines, I am throwing (work) caution to the wind by taking the day off to  spend it with Suddenly Seven and her classmates at the beach and around a campfire.

If FBC taught me one thing it’s that we really do only get one time to raise our children and today is the day that I’m going spend focused on Suddenly Seven. That’s the best Silver Lining imaginable!

 

 
 

finding silver linings, thesilverpen.com

It’s easy to be happy when things are going along swimingly in life, when the biggest worry of the day is what to make for dinner (I happen to love those days!). But when your world is shaken – by a diagnosis, natural disaster, crime, you name it – finding the Silver Linings becomes more difficult. I know that it was for me.

What I learned when I was sick is that finding Silver Linings is a choice. There may be certain days when you have to turn over every boulder in life to find them, but they are there. Pinky Promise! As a matter of fact, just yesterday, I had to do something that I really (really!) didn’t want to do and happened to be a bit grumpy about it.  However, I said to myself that there must be a Silver Lining somewhere. It turns out, I found a beautiful and unexpected Silver Lining that ended up being the highlight of my day.

Because finding Silver Linings is indeed a choice, here are 15 choices (that I try to make each day) that lead to finding Silver Linings:

  1. Express gratitude for what you DO have in this moment.
  2. Smile often.
  3. Be playful. Put a bounce in your emotional step.
  4. Take breaks from technology.
  5. Express love, even to strangers.
  6. Sleep.
  7. Look at challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.
  8. Eat healthily, but treat yourself.
  9. Focus on the present.
  10. Exercise.
  11. Be open to change.
  12. Do what makes you happy.
  13. Simplify.
  14. Don’t “Should” on yourself.
  15. Decide that – no matter what – you will find a Silver Lining.