Commodes I Have Known

Today, The Husband and I are in LA for an appointment with my plastic surgeon (lady lumps still looking good, by the way!) and to do some FBC errands.  Sounds nice, right? A little sleepover getaway.

Could it possibly be that easy breezy?  Naaaaaaaah.  Not a chance.

As you all may remember (or willfully  have forgotten), after my surgery, I had some major (MAJOR) plumbing problems….as in non-function.  Total shutdown. Zippo Action.

NOW, I have the opposite problem. O P P O S I T E.  I know, it’s unbelievable.  I could’t possibly make this shit (pun intended) up!

I used to go 3000 miles before needing a commode and now I can’t go three blocks.

I used to be a scratch shopper in Beverly Hills, but now all I look for is the universal sign for restroom.  I’ve even learned the word in multiple languages (to save time, which is of the essence):  salle de bain, bano, אמבטיה, Seomra Folctha, Koupelna.  Can you tell how many neighborhoods I’ve been in today?

Seriously, this is ALL I think about, ALL DAY LONG (sometimes in technicolor):


What ever happened to the old expression “in by 9, out by 5”? Now, for me, it’s “in at 9 out IN 5 – if I’m lucky.”

You would be amazed at how unpicky you become when you really have to go. UNpicky. A good (or even decent) flush is all that’s required.

Today, I “did my business” as our 4 3/4 daughter says in places as varied as Hermes (5 stars), Prada (4 stars), Brentwood Country Mart (3 stars), and a gas station (-5 stars).

I especially love, when I ask for the closest (emphasizing CLOSEST) restroom is and I get the following response: “Leave out the back door, take a left, then a right and then go up a ramp and down a long hallway.  It will be on your right. You can’t miss it.”  WTF?  I am not looking to circumnavigate the globe. I just go to the ladies’ room.  Did these people not see the sweat on my brow or my trembling hands?  Obviously NOT.  I had no time, though, to debate these instructions.  I just had to hope that I could remember the ludicrious directions and make it in time.

On a positive note (SL) I had a designated driver (The Husband) today, but not for the purpose I would have hoped. As if he isn’t already Husband of the Year (for 2010 AND 2011), he rose to the occasion today and ensured that I made every pit stop in a timely manner.

Throughout all of this, The Husband is hoping for some modicum of regularity in all things: sleep, eating, poddy, etc. “Wouldn’t it be nice if you could keep the metronome in the middle range instead of going from one extreme to the other?” he asked. Oh, honey, I wish.  There ain’t nothing fun about this!

On another note, I have an idea:  could someone (PLEASE) come up with an application that would use my iPhone GPS to show me where all of the available restrooms are (& preferably if they are occupied or unoccupied)?  And then, like a heat-seaking missile, I could head for the most readily available.  It’s the least that Apple could do for a girl in these dire circumstances!  Right?

On yet another note, people have asked:  “Did you try X or Y?”  Let me just say YES.  I have tried everything!  I have so many pills to take for so many different things at so may different times, each of which is designated to start some things and stop others. Maybe I should start taking them in alphabetical order.  Hmmm….now I haven’t tried THAT.  (Don’t worry, I won’t. Too much time on the throne has made me even more nutty than usual.)

I’m actually thinking about registering at Costo for the following items (that Brookside cannot keep in stock):

OK….SL (silver lining) time.

  1. I had an extraordinary, Bondurant-trained driver (The Husband) who stopped at nothing (and I mean NOTHING)  to ensure that I found a WC the moment I needed it.
  2. I didn’t have an accident.
  3. For a brief moment in time, I know what it feels like to be sample size.  Let me just say that it ain’t worth getting here!

Wishing you all SL’s in your toilette du jour.

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  1. Marlene says

    I regularly travel a stretch of rather deserted road to get to and from my office. Last chemo cycle it was quite the adventure (unpleasurable) to suddenly discover this on one of those trips. I am thinking of carrying a port-a-potty! Then of course there was the quick trip to Rite-Aid and the stunned clerk who in the middle of finishing ringing me up and running my card was rather stunned when she gave me directions and I just bolted, leaving everything just where it was at!

    I am not looking forward to that again but know what to expect this time. So I am more prepared.

    Thank you for sharing the reality of this experience.

    • says

      Oh my gosh, Marlene. I can only imagine!!! Hope you were able to find some giggles, especially when seeing the stunned look on the sales clerk's face! Thanks for sharing.

  2. Jane says

    There is an iPhone app for finding the closest restrooms. It is Sit or Squat (sponsored by Charmin ;)). Enjoying reading your blog, very inspiring.

  3. Becks says

    Did you know that the GPS iphone app you reference was part of a plot line on Curb Your Enthusiasm and pre-iphone–Seinfeld? Last season on Curb there was a Seinfeld reunion: George's plotline–he made a ton of money via his GPS bathroom app but loses it as he invested with Madoff. It was a play off references in Seinfeld that George knew all the best bathrooms in NYC. Stay strong!

  4. Cameron says

    We are almost finished with our remodel in our offices and we have a lovely new bathroom for you to add to your new WC App!
    Happy we had a sunny day for you to enjoy!

  5. Susan Rice says

    May tomorrow in LA be better for you. OMG. (When you were at Brentwood Country Market, did you visit the toy store there? Had great fun before Christmas there.)

    Here's an SL. In my email exchanges with SMC classmate artist who lives in a remote village outside of Santa Fe, NM, I asked her if she had a NY resolution. Her response, "To sing every day."

    Isn't that the best?