What is Enough Cancer Treatment?
Today was a tough, miserable day….again. For the first time since my diagnosis, I was MAD. (No, I really haven’t felt angry until this point.)
What brought it on? Finally Five had a Wizard of Oz performance that I could not attend because I was a Vomitsarus Rex, laying on the floor of my bathroom…with Chemo Sobby at my side.
To Rolph on the side of the 101 Freeway with the HOTY (which I did last week) is one thing. Yes, that was pathetic. And gross. But today, to miss Finally Five’s performance (for which we have been practicing for weeks) really pissed me off.
And then when she came home, the first thing she said was: “How are you Mommy? Is your tummy better? Don’t be sorry for missing my performance. I just want you to feel better.” F-Bomb. FBC. F’ing cancer.
I’m angry that she has to deal with this in her young life. Is she coping? Yes. Is she as well-adjusted as she can be? Yes. Neither of these ameliorates my anger for the fact that she has to deal with this.
My body and mind are screaming at me: Enough! Done! Finished! No more!
As I was laying in various locations, I kept wondering: How much chemo is enough? At what point does the toxicity cease to be effective and start to cause pejorative long-term ramifications? When does my body get to have a say in the treatment plan?
These were certainly rhetorical questions today, considering the fact that my sole goal of the day was to get off my bathroom floor and not get dehydrated.
Where are the Silver Linings, you ask? Well, there are many:
- Finally Five did great at her performance and was surrounded by a fan club that loves and adores her deeply.
- When Finally Five came home, we snuggled and watched a SL Movie.
- It was a beautiful, warm and sunny day.
- The HOTY brought me my favorite Chocolate Malt from Tinker’s in Summerland.
- Texts from a girlfriend who is NOT afraid to drop the F-bomb (in very creative ways to make me giggle!).
I’ve got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I’m blue.