Funkilation

article-page-main-ehow-images-a05-mt-d0-butterfly-needle_-800x800

The poor HOTY – again. I am totally funk’d up – again. I am, however, able to trace two of the sources of the funkilation, the first of which is that I have my second post-FBC checkup tomorrow.

Today, I went to get my pre-appointment blood draw (a requirement before every checkup). Prior to the stick, I realized that my hands were shaking (& it wasn’t because I was worried about the needle stick!). The shaking made aiming for the vein a little, ahem, challenging! Silver Lining: I had a great phlebotomist.

By the way, if you have to get your blood drawn, a handy little tip is to request a “Butterfly” needle rather than the large bore ones that the phlebotomists typically use. The butterflies hurt waaaaaay less! And yes, you can request what type of needle is used (most people don’t know that).

Anyhoo, when I realized that my hands were shaking, I acknowledged the fact that the funk had gone to a whole new level. I’m not the obsessive worrisome type. And if I do happen to obsess about something, it’s usually when the next J.Crew catalog is going to arrive (it did today, by the way…Silver Lining). Even during the FBC period, I didn’t worry. It’s just not how I roll. However, this blood draw and impending oncology appointment has me off my game.

To add more funkiness to the funkilation, I am back to feeling exactly how I felt prior to FBC. Now, you’d think that this is a good thing, but it’s actually not.  For about 5 years after having our daughter a/k/a Sweetly Six, I felt exhausted – chronically. Literally if someone were to say “Sleep” to me three times in a row, I’d be Zzzzzz’ing by the second “Sleeeeeep.” In fact, I’m nodding as I type. Really? Really.

Now, I know that it might be confusing to hear that one day I’m running up a mountain and the next day I’m saying that I’m beat up and can barely stay awake. However, it’s how I have functioned for the last 5+ years. My coping mechanism for fatigue is exercise and fabricating energy. I’m able to barrel through workouts thanks to my mental determination, but when push comes to shove, I’d really much rather be in my bed. In my jammies. Asleep.

This has been going on for years. For about 4 years prior to my diagnosis, my internal medicine doctor did one test after another after another (with the exception of a mammogram) in an attempt to figure out what was going on with me. Every single test came back squeaky clean. “You’re in perfect health,” my doctor said to me. Well, not quite…

In fact (this is going to sound so f-bomb’d up), I was actually relieved when I was diagnosed with FBC because I was finally able to figure out why I was so tired:  I was growing FBC.

Now, I would have thought that since I’m done with treatment (last radiation was 6 months ago) that I would be feeling better. Not so much. There in lies the second source of my funkilation: I am wondering WTF is going on!

So, as has been the case since my diagnosis, when I’m feeling blue or funkilated, Silver Linings pop up. I’ve had two doozies today.

The first of which was having a lovely lunch outside by the ocean with two of my favorite bloggers: Brooke Giannetti of Velvet and Linen as well as Slim Paley. It was great fun to be able to kibbutz about the world of blogging and our experiences in it. By the way, all of us pretty much fell into it. Be sure to check out their blogs for a wonderful source of chic inspiration and FUN! And yes, they are as gorgeous and kind and talented and smart as you perceive them to be. I’m just sayin’…

The second Silver Lining was receiving the following comment from a reader. Boy, oh boy, did it hit the right spot.

Thank you for this site. I love to come here and see how you have the ability to turn even the negative into a positive silver lining….it is so uplifting. Sometimes on my really bad days I get caught up on the negative but then I remember that I can come here and get the positive inspiration I need to go on.

Wow.

One thing that I know for sure:  funk is funk. It doesn’t do me a single bit of good to deny it or pretend that it’s not there. It is what it is. The good news is that there are Silver Linings during periods of funkilation, just as there are Silver Linings during FBC or any pain or hardship in life. All one has to do is look for them and they will always appear. Always.

 

Leave a comment

Comments

  1. Cheryl Hunter says

    I just had to write about "funk". I just went thru FBC with only 2 surgeries & radiation, all of which I came out of with no energy loss or funk!! Then I start taking Tamoxifen, and a month later the symptoms start. One of them is extreme tiredness, another is weird aches and pains, and the other day, my hands were unexplainably shaking. All of these things have happened to me in the past (about 2 years ago I went thru a couple years of aches & pains and constant tiredness… I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia). I was able to change my diet and do some good cathartic emotional work… and I thought I cured it. Now I'm wondering if it wasn't hormonal. Because I feel that what is going on now HAS to be from the Tamoxifen. Like you, I am 100% determined to exercise even tho I want to sleep! I hate this… I used to wake up in the morning and if I heard a wonderful song on my alarm clock radio, I'd jump out of bed and dance. Now I almost cannot move. I walk like an old lady for the first 20 minutes. This has only been going on for 2 months (a month after I started the Tamoxifen), but I know I cannot handle this all the time for the 5 years I'm supposed to be on this. I do feel strongly about taking my medicine…. but quality of life? I do have hope that things will change as my body adjusts ??? Sounds like you and I are going thru similar things.

    • Kim C says

      p.s.
      I was tired for about a year as many of your readers have said. I was at my doctor's office getting test results just last week & She was having trouble bringing my results up on her laptop and I could feel my heart race and I felt the need to close my eyes and just breathe through those moments. I still have trouble at the time of testing and have been in remission for quite a while. It's just another part of the FC journey.
      Thinking of you today!

  2. Charlyn says

    I just have to add to the rest, hang in there. Now for your chuckle of the day… I ran, yes ran, the annual 5k for Susan G Komen in West Palm Beach this past Sat. My goals were to run the race, to finish the race, and to not finish last. I hadn't been training much and had put back on 35# since my first surgery. I met all the goals. So where's the humor in that? An 80-year-old woman beat me by 15 minutes!! And I made the news in the Sports page section of the paper. Now that's downright funny… I would never even have seen it 'til a friend called me as I always throw the sports section away. (BTW, I'm going to be 60 this June.). Today was my first day of using the program " Couch to 5k" and I did it! I've decided to add running a half marathon to my bucket list.

    • says

      Hi Charlyn,
      Thanks so much for your note and the chuckle. Loved it! Congratulations on your plan to run a half marathon! Look forward to hearing about your progress. All my best, Hollye

  3. says

    I've been told before that I have a 6th sense or that I'm psychic but this must just be a coincidence. I'm also a blogger but I read YOUR blog for courage and inspiration and finding silver linings in all things. Just yesterday I thought to myself "doesn't she ever have bad days? Funky days, they can't all be good" Here you are admitting your funky mood. It's normal of course and I am praying for you and hoping all goes well. It could just be a bit of nervousness, I admire all people who don't worry, my problem is the opposite I worry too much. Thank you for giving me a balance. Good luck at our appointment, you have mad a difference in my life, in so many lives. Thank you. Laurie hibernationnow

    • says

      Wow, Laurie. That is amazing! Of course I have bad days. Absolutely. I would never intend to imply that I don't. The difference is that I just choose to see Silver Linings in the face of the funk. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comment!

  4. carina says

    dear hollee,i dont love what you;re going through but i love what you write!!!!so incredibly talented with words,humour,so much!!!lets get all these jourmals one day and possibly make a book..the inspiration and honesty in unreal….its ok to feel super duper tired and it not be because of any reoccurance…..so much love to you!!carina

    • says

      Dear Carina, Thank you so much of your note. I agree about getting our journals together. I think it would make for a very powerful book! For sure! Thank you, again!

  5. Carolyn Anderson says

    Dear Hollye, Carolyn here from Minneapolis. As my oncologist informed it will take about a year after radiation treatments to start feeling "normal" . Now I have been impressed by all that you are doing, especially the traveling, the running, etc. but give yourself permission to rest and "honor your body". The quote came from an exercise video that I have been trying to do…Honor your body and the place where it is at at this moment. We all heal and adjust at different rates…knowing that I have 20 years on you gives me an excuse to keep trying, HA! But seriously, you have been doing such great work on your blog, your sharing has been tremendous, and you are a wonderful example of living life to the fullest! Take care, dear friend, and "Honor your body"! Always, Carolyn

    • says

      Thanks a million, Carolyn. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your note. It means the world to me and I will heed your advice. All my best!

  6. amy says

    Hey Hollye – It's Funkalicious February – Here in the midwest – we have a good excuse for funkalicious February – it's gray – again. It may be warmer, but it's still gray.

    I'm praying for great results from your blood draw.

    On another topic, if you want to pump up your blogging – have you seen pinterest.com? It's all the rage with 40 year old moms.

  7. Debbie says

    Good Morning my FBC Sister,
    We are both on the same post radiation schedule and I too wonder what in the f-bomb is wrong with me. I have no energy and I too would rather just pull the covers up over my head and sleep.
    My life is so wonderful right now. I have met my "Prince Charming" who is now my roomie!
    He was my "Love from afar" in High School. We never spoke a word to each other but I KNEW back then that he was the one. Fast forward 40 years and after a "Big Girl" drink, I set out to find him via internet. Now we have not seen each other in 40 years……but thanks to the Social Media I found him……After I went and fixed me another "Big Girl" drink I decided what the H***…..so I emailed him. That was 2 years ago this month. He had been divorced for over 20 years and was retired living in Mexico.
    So I have my Prince living with me but I'm still not where I was before FBC!!!! I should be ecstatic but I'm not…..I just can't kick the funk!!!!!
    Now to add more to my pity party……I tripped over my dog on one of my potty trips during the night and I am in such pain….which adds to my funkilation!!!!!
    Thank you for this wonderful blog!!!!! I feel you understand…….
    Debbie

    • says

      Thank you so much for your note, Debbie. I'm thrilled to hear about how wonderful your life is right now. Absolutely amazing! I do indeed understand. Hope that you and your pup are ok after your trip. Take good care!