Cancer Coprolalia

Today I ventured out of the house.  Bad, bad idea.  We were invited to a beautiful lunch, full of interesting people and lots of Mind Candy. Can I just say: I am in a HUGE Mind Candy deficit.  My brain is complete mush. The only thing that is consistent is cognitive dysfunction.

So, I thought:  C’mon!  Pull your chemo-self together and go!

So I did (though I admit to getting out of bed precisely 14 minutes before we were due at the lunch). Fortunately, I didn’t have to do my hair: Silver Lining.

However, from the moment I walked in, I knew it was a bad idea.  I didn’t have the mental stamina to make small talk.  Before FBC, I never realized how much mental stamina small talk takes.  Not only does it take a lot of stamina, but I am seriously out of shape!

Now, don’t get me wrong:  it was great to see friends and to meet new and interesting people.  Nothing I love more than seeing friends and making new ones.  And if I get to learn something in the meantime, then Yippeee Skippeee!

However, today was not my day.  At one point, I was talking with a wonderful woman (absolutely no recollection what we were discussing!) and the room started spinning.  I interrupted her and told her that I had to sit down – NOW.  Things went downhill from there.

Right before lunch, The Husband and I were talking with the guest speaker who happened to have some significant knowledge of the breast cancer field (though, again, I have no recollection what we were specifically discussing) and I had to sit down – again.

Why did I get up after the first need-to-sit-down, you ask?  I have no clue.

Note to self:  next time (first of all: avoid a next time!), politely excuse your chemo-self.

On to lunch. More spins.  At one point, someone asked me a question, to which I knew the answer! However, I could’t put the words together to deliver said answer. Thank goodness the HOTY (a/k/a Husband of the Year) jumped in.

Somehow, I managed to stay upright while the speaker delivered what, I’m sure, were eloquent words; however, I was too focused on keeping my head off the table and wiping the drool off of my face to focus on what he was saying.

When the speaker was done and he thanked everyone for coming, I gave the HOTY the look and proceeded to bolt, or at least tried to.  While waiting to thank our wonderful host and hostess for having us, an incredibly kind woman gave me a hug and said how much she likes the blog. (Isn’t that so nice? Still so amazing to me!)

Under normal circumstances…wait, WTF is “normal”?

Let me rephrase…during my good week, I would have thanked her profusely for reading the blog and talked with her.

However, today?  Not happening. Instead, I lost it.  The room started spinning even faster and then the Cancer Coprolalia (the involuntary use of obscene words or socially inappropriate words and phrases) let loose. I don’t think that I dropped the F-bomb (at least I’m praying that I didn’t!).  I do vaguely recall saying:  I have to leave right this minute. I then proceeded to run right into the door upon my exit. Silver Lining: no black eye.

So, what is the lesson learned here?  Well, it’s clear that I still need work on my mind-body connection. In other words, my mind, no matter how deprived (and therefore eager), has no business pushing this chemo-filled body to do ANYTHING before it’s ready.  Back to bed…back to bed…NOW!!!!

No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.

~Carrie Snow

The magnificent morning sky. I peaked early!

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Comments

  1. Nicole Brownell says

    Hollye,
    You are such a trooper and I appreciate you for just being…you! I think you are amazing! Keep your chin up and know that better days are ahead.
    XO

  2. Lori Frisbie says

    Ohh Craprolalia!! You are always so eloquent and I'm sure your company was appreciated in any form you presented!

  3. Michele Cuttler says

    The fact that you bust out amazing blogs each day, using words like "coprolalia", suggests that your brain is not completely mush! Hang in there darling girl! Michele xo

  4. Caron says

    Sweetie, you might think you have oatmeal for a brain but your sense of humor is intact so we know that isn't entirely true. For the short term future, you might just have to do all your socializing and entertaining from bed. (Once upon a time that might have been a very titillating prospect!)
    Please be kind to yourself. Gently, gently venture out. It's a new way but it's what you need. Soon you will be able to grasp the bull by the horns with both hands again.
    Reading every post and most often lurking in the loft. Sending hugs.

  5. geri says

    You looked more beautiful than any woman there, and fresh as spring violets with your head scarf on! I am not kidding. And you did NOT seem like you were spinning. Nobody could tell that. You have a dazzling smile and it made up for what you felt. Hang in there.

  6. says

    Jack will have to see this because he can certainly be very sympathetic as Chemo Brain has been an issue. However, it has gotten so so much better that even now i rarely see it rear its ugly head. Jack will certainly agree that no day is so bad that it can't be fixed with a nap. There are a lot of those around here! There will be many many more fabulous lunches where you will charm everyone in the room. And i hope i am there!! xxhollyc